From Bad to Worse

11 03 2010

Financially, things have gone fom bad to worse and I see no way out. All attempts to stop the downward slide have failed. I have failed. I have failed to take what I consider to be a lot of potential, 2 college degrees and everything else I have going for me, my accplishments and achievements, failed to convert these things into some sort of life for myself. And that makes me a failure of the first magnitude. A failure that I will have to live – and die – with. I relinquish the fight and surrender to my fate. I can no longer deny the failure that I have become.

More thoughts on this post and I still feel the same – but now I’m realizing that my failure is my failing to meet the expectations of ‘society’ and those of other people, especially those closest to me. Further extraction from these bonds and attachments are necessary if I want to achieve self-reliance, and that I do. Frustrating and heart-sickening as this is, I feel this is part of the process.

Also today, I got a letter from SSI stating that my case is under review and I may very well lose my benefits – monthly checks and healthcare on which I rely- even though I am still paralyzed, still disabled, still using a wheelchair, still without work or income. Yes one of my stated goals at this site IS to get off benefits/welfare, but I assumed that would happen as I became able to stand on my own two feet (so to speak), not before!

Is this a case of ‘cart before the horse’ or that maybe I needed this push-to be put under such extreme pressure, to the point of taking desparate action? This may very well be my ‘hail mary’ moment to where I have nothing left but to risk all, because that is all I have left.

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