Self Reliance=Self Expression

28 03 2010

I have reached a point once again where the act of creative self expression conjures up anxiety, fear and panic. This is certainly linked with other times when I had been critized ridiculed or somehow hurt when in the moment of freely expressing myself. We all become self conscious in childhood when we are made aware of our actions by another person’s comments, and if we get too sensitized to this kind of thing, we end up in fear and doubt, always second-guessing ourselves. The response often, is to censor our expressiveness and bite our tongues -mainly as a defense mechanism- so that if we don’t speak out, we won’t get hurt. This strategy worked then, but eventually, we reach a point where this defense against pain is choking us with fear.

Now, as I move forward with my creative projects closer to completion, that anxious fear is again choking me. “It,” and I am considering this fear as a tangible thing, and it is rising up to protect me once again. But this time I’m reaching out to greet this protective ‘hurt’ and am reassuring it that it is now safe for me to freely and fully express myself creatively. In fact, since this is a hurt part of me, our survival now depends on full expression, as the projects that can help me achieve self reliance are all about creative writing, speech, music and performance!

It is only when things are going well that the defense arises. Seen another way, this anxiety I’m feeling is a clear indicator that I AM moving in the right direction. I must make it through this threshold in order to reach self reliance. I will inform the self censoring defense that the situation has changed, and be convincing in an emotionally vitalized way, as this fear is primarily emotionally based…

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