3 06 2010

Over the weekend I painted my room. There is more to this than slapping paint on the walls; that’s the fun part. The rest is an opportunity to go through all my stuff and spring clean, which can be weird as it is one of the few times (like moving) when you are forced to look at everything in your inventory. And not just your stuff-it’s the emotional connections and memories associated with said stuff, as well as the internal clutter and hoarding that goes on with all kinds of thoughts and feelings about one’s self.

As the paint is now dry, only a couple of small boxes remain, just some old letters and keepsakes to be combed through. It’s easy to just shove something in a drawrer and say “I’ll keep that for later,” but when later arrives (now), do I still keep it? And so on.

The point is, even a small amount of clutter and hoarding can have an effect, even – or especially – when it’s going on out of sight. Yes it may be difficult to go through it all, and perhaps even more difficult to let things go, but having a clear pathway and an open space are vital to acheiving self reliance. Or, being dragged down or distracted by excess baggage will keep one from attaining a strong foundation.

Self reliance cannot thrive in an environment of codependency: there can only be limited growth in this case. In fact, self reliance is somewhat the opposite of of codependence. Therefore, by clearing the slate and declaring independence from attachments to stuff, self reliance is more readily assured.



22 05 2010

Fuck everything. I have tried and tried and tried and I have failed. Apparently there is an aspect of myself that is stronger than I and it’s got me licked. I’d give up and throw in the towel but there is nothing left to give up and there is nowhere to go. I’d really like a victory in my life right now, the only victory that matters, the only one that counts – and that is victory over self. Otherwise I am being torn apart from the inside out, from this demon that lives within – I have seen the enemy and he is me.

As the lost scripture reads: “If you don’t bring forth that which is within you, that which is within you will destroy you. If you do bring forth that which is within you, that which is within you will save you.”

I have so much within me and I do want to bring it all forth but I’m really having a terrible go at that, as I am left to my own devices and it remains trapped inside, despatately seeking expression…and it’s fucking killing me.

First Person, Fourth Wall

6 05 2010

In theater and stage acting, we are told never to break the fourth wall, the one ‘removed’ so the drama can be viewed through the procenium arch. Or simply, you never want to let on that there is an audience out there (narrators are an exception). Likewise with on camera dramatic and comedic acting, you’re told to never look at the camera. (news, commercial and talk show hosts always look into the camera). And with most kinds of acting, you generally play a character other than yourself.

So how does someone who learned the traditional form make the transition to first person direct address? With news or hosting experience this would not be a big leap, but many performers don’t do news, and many on camera personalities do relatively little acting, in the traditional sense.

But now, especially with YouTube shows and reality TV, actors must break both rules- break the fourth wall and play the role of yourself. Is there a method or Meisner technique for this? Younger actors have grown up with this paradigm, but actors over 30 really only learned the traditional way. That’s all there was. TV news was a different world.

For older cats, we can no longer hide behind the 4th wall, the character we are portraying or product we are selling. This is an on camera confessional, all the insecurities laid bare for all to see. There is no live audience, no camera crew or even camera per se, just a little red light and the ominous, HAL-like all seeing eye to capture, judge and maybe even kill. Eye to eye, the one to the many, but still one to one.

There will always be stage and film acting, in comedies and dramas that leave the actors’ identities concealed and the fourth wall intact. But the shift has been made to first person direct address, and we must adapt – and bring to this new paradigm the relevant strengths and qualities from the traditional ways – so that we may keep pace and thrive.

Gimp My Ride: for others’ Self Reliance

5 05 2010

What started as a play on words has turned into a cause – by getting my car restored and keeping it on the road, I can help others, who need one, to get into a restored CRX with hand controls and able to accomodate the wheelchair. As my car is driven by a wheelchair user (me), many other CRX cars could be restored and adapted for many wheelchair users to enjoy. The CRX is by my account a fun sports car thats dependable and economical, based on my 18 years experience and 190,000 personal miles driven.

There are many of these cars and aftermarket parts readily available; they are easy to work on and many models have compatible parts. From restored stock condition or custom econo tuners, these cars would not be for everyone; probably paras or high level quads (or muscular equivalent). These sit low to the ground, making transfers a breeze, although the low sports car ride height is not for everyone either. But if you are in a chair and don’t necessarily play adaptive sports, but love an adrenaline rush that’s safe and practical, then a restored ‘ReX might just do it for you. Motorsports and celebrity sponsors could bring dollars and visibility, and, even a Rex hand control race class could compete regionally and nationally.

Therefore, I propose that funds be raised to make this pathway to self reliance and freedom for those injured or impared, that enjoy performance driving in a car that’s wheelchair friendly and costs less than $10,000!

Gimp My Ride, please.

Eye of the Needle

26 04 2010

Straight is the gate and narrow is the way. This line is either from the Bible or Hank Williams – or both – and it has particular significance to me at this time. This rite of passage or threshold cannot be avoided or circumvented; it must be passed through directly. And being narrow, like the eye of a needle, this passageway does not allow room for anything extraneous to enter-only ones’s bare and true essence.

Once on the other side it may not always be smooth sailing, but since a strong foundation and clarity of purpose are laid out, it is possible to weather any storm. This is where I find myself regarding metaphysics and spirituality, as both a practitioner and a teacher. On the other side lie the multitude of spiritual lessons, lectures and practices. To pass through the narrow gate, I must first shed all that I am not, and focus to a point all that I am, in terms of my own spiritual beliefs.

I believe I passed through this gate regarding my music, if you’ve been following my recent posts, as I played a solo show earlier this month. The gate didn’t even allow for a backup band, and I was literally stripped down to my bare essesnce musically. Now having passed through, I know I can do this anytime, anywhere and with whatever band I put behind me playing whatever songs I write.

Same is true for my self reliance regarding my career in metaphysics. I know I cannot proceed with the podcasts, lectures and writings I plan to offer until I pass through the eye of the needle, by stripping away all that I am not, and focusing in on – and openly revealing – what it is that I am.


22 04 2010

I’m finding that Self Reliance is not something achieved, rather it is something that is attained through persistence. Of course the course of action needs to be determined before setting out, and then corrected as needed along the way. Just like when taking a trip in a car, you need to plan the route and travel in that direction. Then persistence pays off as the miles pass and the destination grows closer.

At the onset of the journey, there is much excitement, the tank is full and the adventure begins. Near the destinaton, the excitement returns as the goal is in sight. But the part in between, the long haul, can get boring, tedious and seem like there is no progress being made.

Persistence is needed to stay on the beam, or on the path, to move through the long stretches of territory that need to be crossed. There is little excitement, the planning is done and the destination is still far away. But along this part of journey, I can enjoy the scenery (or any part of the process) as I continue on, knowing I have set the goal and followed the course with the necessary adjustments. The important thing is to persist and to trust in the process, knowing that even at times when there is very little evidence of forward progress, advancement IS being made, and the goal is growing closer.


19 04 2010

No I’m not writing about taking my underwear off (I’m not wearing any!) – this is a recap of my solo music set, Friday nite in Columbus. Short answer-it went as well as I could have imagined. Very weird playing without a band, but being onstage is very comfortable for me and I loved it. That said, I don’t want to do it without a band again, but if I can pull it off alone, having a rhythm section (bass & drums) will make it so much better.

The gig was definitely a score for self reliance, which is what I’m after. Like a successful prototype, I now have “proof of concept” which is the green light to move forward with all deliberate speed. This next phase will be built on something known and real-ized, and not just a possibility or potential. One step at a time, and this was a big one!